Deflowered
by tamiz
Summary: Renji finally gets laid...but to who? Contains steamy crack lemons, strip poker, yaoi suggestions, and lap dances. first attempt at crack, profanity at its worst! oneshot


_Author's notes_: I know, this is totally random; bear with me, ok?

_Warnings_: implied yaoi, lap dances, strip poker, and kiddy sex. But that's only sprinkled. Lightly. Oh, and heavy profanity's on the way, too, so watch out!

_Pairings_: implied renXruk, byaXren, and renXhorny other shinigami. There's also implied matsuXshuu, hitsuXhina, hanaXmore horny shinigami (which includes Siofon and Nemu), and pure crack yaoi, ukitXmayuXyama. Possible multiple others, I guess; you can even see a little IkkakuXRenji in here if you wanted.

_Disclaimer_: don't own Bleach. Probably never will, either.

* * *

The only thought coursing through Renji's head at the moment was, _'Damn, I feel like shit this morning.' _The sun was shining in his eyes but he refused to open them. He always knew that hangovers could be a total _bitch_. His head was ringing, and his body felt strangely…tender. That didn't usually happen with hangovers.

"Why…" Renji wondered out loud. "…is my ass sore?" he jumped out of bed, grabbing the blanket with him to cover his very nude form. "Holy crap, I was raped!" he yelled frantically, panic written all over his face. Damn Ikkaku; no more Star Wars drinking games for him.

"Oh my gawd, I was ass raped! Good lord, I was ass raped!!" the vice captain wept into the blanket he was clutching as OOC as he could get. "I WAS DEFLOWERED!!" Renji mourned the fact that he also didn't remember a _thing_ about what happened the night before. "Byakuya-taichou, you sick, _sick_ bastard! I thought you promised to be gentle!"

Renji was pleasantly surprised to see a _girl_ in his bed with dark, wide eyes. The vice captain let out a silent sigh of relief.

Rukia blushed bright red as she tried to cover herself as best she could. "Um, ah, Renji, you…" she gulped. "…bumped your head last night?" she explained awkwardly. "So I… took you to your room?"

Renji blushed as well. "Sure…?" he still didn't understand why in the hells his ass was sore.

"Ah, eh…" Rukia twiddled her thumbs.

Renji continued to stare.

After a minute of continued staring from Renji and nervous gulping from Rukia, the girl had had enough and bolted out the door after quickly snatching her clothes off the ground. "M'kayseeyalaterbye!"

…

"…holy shit..." Renji breathed. "She just ran out of my room completely naked…" try as he might, Renji couldn't, for the life of him, get the picture of Rukia's smooth ass out of his head.

Then, as if just remembering why she had run out of his bedroom, Renji stomped on the ground angrily. "Fuck!! I just had sex with my childhood friend and I don't remember a damn thing!! FUCK YOU, GODS!!!!" he promptly broke down into tears.

* * *

Renji had only enough time to pull on his clothes and compose himself when a knock at the door announced him of someone's presence.

"Abarai." Byakuya floated through the opened door. He gave Renji a look. "I just saw Rukia run down the halls, and it seemed like she had just come from your room…"

"Ah…" he gulped. "…hai, taichou."

Byakuya closed his eyes, seemingly rehearsing what he was about to say over again in his mind. "She was…" he gulped ever so slightly. "…in the nude."

"…ng…" Renji looked at the floor, feeling slightly queasy.

Byakuya ignored the noises his vice captain was making. "It is good… to indulge in… erotic acts of desire with…_women_… when you are male, so..." Byakuya gulped nervously and, "_OMG,_ _WHY WON'T YOU LOVE ME??_" He screamed in his self inflicted anguish but quickly schooled his features before his vice captain could look up at him.

"…blu…gg…hhh…" Renji gargled, foaming at the mouth.

"I trust you to have used protection…with Rukia. Wouldn't want any unnecessary surprises… so early... in life..."

"…ngh…" in truth, Renji hadn't spotted a glove all throughout his room… DUNDUNDUN!! _'I'm fucked,'_ Renji thought mournfully.

"…I will see you at the party." Byakuya turned abruptly. "It commences at eleven at tenth division headquarters. Matsumoto plays hostess..." And then he left. No one noticed his look of longing as he turned to eye Renji up and down a last time before he was gone.

Renji was still twitching after the shojji door was closed quietly.

* * *

Renji had not wanted to go. Unfortunately, he was dragged to come by his caring division captain.

"Taichou, I decline your offer to party!" the ruffled redhead puffed as he was being carted away by many lower ranking officers of the sixth division; the likes of them were at which congratulating him on getting laid to the captain's sister one by one.

"That's it, Abarai-fukutaichou!"

"You do Rukia-sama's ass, fukutaichou!"

"_DO ME, FUKUTAICHOU!!! DO ME LIKE YOU DID RUKIAAAA!!!" _

"THE FUCK!!??" Renji's exclaimed.

* * *

"Dude, you just got laid!" Ikkaku laughed as he swung a punch at Renji when he entered the crowded office. He had enough common sense to duck the blow. "So tell me," Ikkaku slurred. He was obviously wasted out of his mind already. And it was only just turning twelve midnight. "Was she good?"

"GODDAMMIT!"

"Renji!" the frantic redhead cringed when he heard that voice. He turned around to spot Ichigo waving at him.

"Man, you just lost your virginity." He said. He punched Renji in the arm lightly then, smiling with tears in his eyes. "I'm proud of ya, dude." He wiped an imaginary tear out of his eye.

"GODDAMMIT!" Renji stared at Ichigo. "Why are _you_ here?!?"

"THE MAN WITH THE MONKEY SUIT!" Ichigo screamed all of a sudden, flinging his arms into the air and proceeding to sing 'Mary had a little lamb' while the ever random Inoue Orihime and the Quincy boy (he couldn't remember his name) sang backup vocals.

"Why is everyone here?!?!?!?" Renji screamed falling to his knees dramatically.

"It's 'cause you just got laid!" everyone in the room screamed, pausing in their previous activities and promptly continuing with a shrug after Renji fingered them with as much gusto he could summon at the moment.

Renji got off his knees to stare at Matsumoto and Hisagi sloppily making out on a sofa, Unohana, Kira, Nanao, and Komamura playing strip poker on Hitsugaya's desk, and said captain of the tenth and one certain vice captain of the fifth slowly taking each other's cloths off under a random coffee table.

Renji caught the whispered words of "Be gentle with me, Momo…" and a reply of, "**Bitch** please!!" before he turned right away and crawled to a far corner, rocking himself frantically.

"Little_…_people_…sex_…" Renji ground out, trying to gauge his eyes out.

"Aww, loosen up, ya pansy, it aint no big deal." A voice said.

Renji looked up. "Hanatarou, you little-"

The seventh seat abruptly cut him off by blowing smoke, from his cig, in Renji's face. "You gotta enjoy the moment!" he said, making thrusting movements with his hips while random shinigami women crowed with delight. "Care to have one of my stamina pills? Got one left, I used the other five already." He explained not stopping with his dry thrusts.

"STOP FUCKING AIR HUMPING IN FRONT OF ME!! IT MAKES ME NAUSEOUS!"

Renji then fainted, not having enough power to tear his eyes off a now stripping Hanatarou. Hanatarou was down to his tidy-whiteys when he noticed Renji died.

Everyone partied well into the night and the crack of dawn, no one caring that Hanatarou was screaming his innocence while Siofon and Nemu (simultaneously) gave him a lap dance.

Ukitake and Mayuri where having a hot yaoi lemon on the furniture (with Mayuri bending down on the sofa Matsumoto and Hisagi were currently occupying for their own steamy lime) when he noticed Renji's dead body. They stuffed him under said sofa so that no one would notice him and continued having hot man/man sex just before Yamamoto joined them to make it a threesome.

Byakuya, meanwhile, found Renji and whisked his body away to parts…unknown (the dark alleyway behind the tenth headquarters). To do sexy things to it (like playing doctor and patient)… that no one wanted to know. Sexy, _dirty, _**naughty** things…

Kenpachi, having arrived at the party late after putting Yachiru to bed, found the hot Byakuya giving the dead Renji a steamy backrub.

End.

* * *

_Author's notes_: I think I'm supposed to ask you guys to review, but this was way too weird for even me so I'll hope to heaven I get _some_ feedback. Review, please? I think… ya for drunk parties!! Too bad Renji kinda died... 


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